What If?
by kaida-amarante
Summary: Lukas never thought about the what-ifs in his life. Especially not the ones concerning his best friend Aaric. So what happens when all of the what-ifs come true? Will it be too much for the two? Human AU, character death. NorIce, HongIce, DenNor, DenIce


**AN: I feel like this one may be a bit rushed...But, whenever I get emotional when I'm writing, I rush and ramble and get repetitive…I feel like maybe Norway would be the same way. So, I feel like my writing style is justified here. Anyway, Lukas is Norway, Aaric is Iceland, Mathias is Denmark, and Michael is Hong Kong. Sorry if you don't like the names or ages I chose for them…Anyway, I don't own Hetalia. Sorry for the angst and probably OOCness…**

**I literally cried while I was writing this. It takes a lot for writing to make me cry. So, yeah, it was really emotional. -Kaida Amarante-**

**-0-**

I never thought of the what-ifs…I should have though. If I had, would this have happened? I don't think so. If I had thought of the what-ifs, then maybe Aaric would be standing by my side still. But I was arrogant and ignorant. I didn't think anything like this could happen where I lived, let alone to someone I knew…To the person I cared most about…

**-0-**

_What if he stopped seeing me as a brother?_

I was five when Aaric Stout was born. I remember being in awe the first time I saw him. It was when I was ten and he was five, and our parents, who had been close friends in high school, decided I was old enough to baby-sit the boy. His hair was platinum blonde, almost silver in the bright sunlight shining down on him, his skin pale and unblemished. He stared up at me with unyielding almost violet eyes that betrayed his strength and showed some fear. His parents introduced him to me and me to him before we were left alone. I babysat him almost every other week, if that, for many years, even after he started complaining about how he was old enough to take care of himself and didn't need a babysitter anymore. He was 14 when that happened. His parents agreed and decided to leave him alone. I lived alone at that time, being the independent 19 year-old I was supposed to be, but still lived only a couple blocks down from the Stout house. How surprised I was when I opened my banging door that stormy night to find a soaking wet Aaric, staring up at me in fear. He started talking about how the wind made him uncomfortable but refused to admit he was scared. I ended up calling his parents and letting them know he was spending the night with me because he was scared, despite his indignant defenses. "You know, Dyri…" I turn away from him as we lie in the living room in front of the dying embers of the fire I had going a while before. But I had waited long enough to see his face flush just the slightest bit at the nickname I had been calling him since childhood. The Norse name for Dear. "We're pretty much brothers at this point." My statement was met with silence from the other side of the room. "Why don't you just call me Big Brother?" The silence after that lasted so long that I thought he had fallen asleep before he muttered a quick 'no'. I never thought that one little word would mean so much…

**-0-**

_What if he didn't approve of my relationship with Mathias?_

It was the next year, when I was 20 and Aaric was 15 that my college friend Mathias and I got into a relationship. A romantic relationship. When I first told my family and the Stouts, I thought that there would be an uproar about me being gay. But there wasn't. The only reaction besides happiness that I was in a relationship was Aaric. His face was neutral for a moment before he stood and walked off quickly and quietly, unnoticed by anyone other than me. As quickly as he walked off, I chased him, grabbing his wrist and holding him back when we were out of earshot of the others. "What's wrong? Are you angry that I'm gay or something? Do you not approve?" I hadn't expected him to glare up at me, those violet eyes on fire. Nor had I expected him to tell me that it wasn't because I was gay, for he was too, but that he felt Mathias was a bad influence. Which he was, I had to admit. I would never think twice about staying out all night at a party (not that I did anything bad, mind you) or drinking alcohol while underage if not for Mathias. Sure, he was annoying as all crap, but being with him was more fun than sitting around studying for college. I never thought twice about how Aaric felt about it, or how he started practically avoiding me. I didn't think anything was wrong…

**-0-**

_What if he moved on?_

I had been dating Mathias for about 7 months when one day he randomly decided to take me to the movies. I complained for a while about how annoying he was before giving in and going. My house wasn't too far from the movie theater, so we decided to walk. I had forgotten that the movie theater was in the middle of our town's shopping district and thus had a bunch of people in front of it at almost all times. We had been making our way through that mass when I saw an all-too-familiar mop of platinum hair. Mathias must have noticed a change in my usually stoic expression and reached out to grab my wrist, his hand barely touching my skin as I raced off. When I caught up to Aaric, I called out to him, surprised to see him and another boy about his age turn to me. "Lukas…" He looked quickly between the emotionless boy holding his hand and I before giving me a small smile. "This is Michael Kirkland, my boyfriend." I felt my heart stop in that moment and a dark, sickening feeling start curling in my gut. I didn't know what it was. Protectiveness? No…that wasn't it. I look back over at the black-haired boy who bowed slightly before glancing down at their still-entwined hands and back up to Aaric's violet eyes.

"He takes good care of you, right, Dyri? If he hurts you, let me know, alright?" I watch as those violet eyes narrow at me and his hand (which I could see from the corner of my eye) tightened around his boyfriend's. I was about to say more when Mathias came up behind me and dragged me off with a look at Aaric that I couldn't decipher.

**-0-**

_What if he didn't properly take care of himself?_

I had just turned 23 when Aaric changed my entire life. It was a cold December night, below freezing for sure, and I was curled up by my fireplace, reading up on ancient magic for one of my classes when I heard a loud knock at my front door. At first I was confused to who it cold be, thinking that if it had been Mathias, he would have either barged in or there would be more energetic knocking. But who other than him would come to my house at 10 P.M. on a stormy winter night? I rush to my door and open it slowly, my eyes widening a bit in surprise to see a now 18 year-old Aaric standing at my doorstep, dripping wet from the pouring rain outside. Just like that night four years earlier. I ushered him inside and to the bathroom, where I started running hot water and told him to get in the shower before he caught a cold. I then went to my bedroom and found some pajamas I was growing out of. I quickly made my way back to the bathroom and closed the door behind myself, waiting for the water to quit running and the teenager to step out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his body. He looked up at me with unreadable violet eyes, making me sigh and grab a nearby towel, throwing it over his head and drying that hair I was so fond of off. "Dyri…" I take the towel off his head and grab the one around his body, despite his objections. I started drying off his arms and torso before staring into his eyes. "When did you get so thin? Have you been eating right? Taking care of yourself? You're not sick, are you?" He turned his head away from me then, telling me not to worry. It was when I started drying off his legs that I dropped the towel in shock. "Aaric, what the hell are these scars?" On his left thigh, high enough that there was no chance of them being noticed, was a series of nine or ten one-inch-long scars, too perfectly straight to be accidental. I touched one gingerly, taking my hand away when he flinched. They were recent. Probably from that night or the one before. I look up at his face again. He was turned away, presumably in shame, his face even paler than normal and marred with dark circles under his eyes. He looked…worn out, beaten down. Maybe not physically, but somehow. "Dyri, talk to me."

"Michael broke up with me. He said he couldn't date someone that didn't truly love him. Someone that loved someone else." This was all about that guy? "And what am I supposed to do? He'll never love me back, at least not the same way I love him. And so I started dating Michael because I thought he'd help me get over this guy, and I thought he did! But apparently it wasn't enough…it's never enough…" He was close to breaking down, that much I could tell. I sighed and continued drying him off before helping him get dressed and picking him up bridal-style. His face turned bright red as I carried him into my bedroom and laid him on the bed, tucking him into the blankets before climbing next to him and pulling him into my arms. "I'll call your parents in the morning. You're 18, so they should trust you enough." I watched him until I knew he was fast asleep before falling asleep myself. That was only the beginning of the end…

**-0-**

_What if all I had wanted this entire time was him?_

It happened one day not soon after that. I had been worrying about Aaric so much that he had been staying over almost every night. I would check everyday for new scars and to make sure he didn't aggravate the old ones. I suppose that I should have told his parents about his cutting, even though he begged me not to. But I didn't. I was an idiot, considering. Anyway, he had stayed the night with me one night and was still there the next day when Mathias came over. They were getting along pretty well and so I decided I could leave the room to go make more coffee. I had only been gone for a couple minutes when I suddenly heard Aaric shriek from the family room. Fearing the worst, I rush in. The scene I saw was not what I expected. Aaric was lying on his back on the floor, both his wrists pinned above his head by one of Mathias's hands. His pale face was flushed and his white button-up shirt was unbuttoned, revealing how Mathias's free hand was roaming Aaric's chest and abdomen. Where Aaric was staring away from me, eyes closed tight, Mathias was looking me in the eyes and smirking. There was that feeling again, the one I got the first time I saw Aaric and Michael holding hands. I quickly went over to the two and ripped Mathias off of the teen, glaring at him afterwards. "What the hell do you think you're doing? You were about to rape him? And in my house? He's still just a kid!" I ignored Aaric's protests about being called a kid and continued glaring at my boyfriend, who just laughed loudly and looked away.

"I knew it." He quit laughing and looked up at me, his blue eyes locking into mine. "Think about it, Lukas. If that had been anyone else, you would be killing me for cheating on you. But instead, you're going to kill me because it was him. Not because I was cheating on you with him, either. The fact that it was me doesn't matter." He stood up, then, and brushed himself off before walking towards the door.

"What are you trying to say?"

He stopped and turned to me, a soft smile on his face. "I'm saying we're through. I can't continue pretending that you love me back. I don't think I can be in a relationship with someone who's in love with someone else." With that, he was gone, leaving me to ponder his words. Love? I wasn't in love with Aaric…I turn to look at the teen and sort out my feelings, only to find he was gone.

**-0-**

_What if by the time I realized all this, it was too late?_

I didn't know where he went, what he was doing. Knowing that he had been cutting, of course I was assuming the worst. But I couldn't do anything. I waited for a couple hours to see if he came back, which he didn't. I knew that I should have called his parents and see if he had gone back home, but I figured that if he hadn't, the Stouts would only worry more than I was. So instead, I sat around my house, trying to get my mind off of the day's events to no avail. I couldn't help but think about my relationship with Aaric, those feelings and thoughts. When had this started? I had known him since childhood. I couldn't love someone I saw as a brother! It was…almost disgusting. I thought about it a while longer, until the day had turned to evening. I finally came to the conclusion that I did in fact love him. It was right after that revelation that my entire world shattered around me. I heard loud knocking at my front door and opened it to find The Stouts, Mrs. Stout crying and hiding her face in her hands and Mr. Stout glaring at me. What was going on? "He's gone…" Mrs. Stout's voice was muffled. "He's gone! My baby's dead! Aaric's dead!"

My heart stopped when I heard those words. "You were supposed to be watching him, taking care of him! How could you let this happen? How could you let him kill himself and then give us no expression? You bast-" Everything went black. I woke up in my own bed, Mrs. Stout sitting next to me and rubbing my hand. I didn't know what was happening, and thought that everything that had happened at the doorway had been a dream. Until I saw the tears on her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Lukas." Mr. Stout approached me from the other side of the room, regret in his blue eyes. "I was just emotional. I didn't know what I was saying." I don't know what I said, but I muttered something to the two, who looked away from me. "You kept muttering his name in your sleep. Kept saying that you were sorry. It wasn't your fault, Lukas."

"It was…" I felt myself tearing up. "If I had just told him that I loved him…then maybe he wouldn't have done that. If I had realized my own feelings and told him that I was in love with him, none of this would have happened. We could have gotten a happily ever after. But I didn't. Why must I be so ignorant?" I sobbed quietly as Mrs. Stout wiped away my tears. "I loved him! I always did! I just never realized it! I wish I could go back and make everything right. I just want to tell him that I love him! I loved him more than anything! I'd do anything to make this right again!" I don't think I had ever been more emotional than I was in that moment. Crying, and sobbing, and screaming to whatever God there was out there. If God was cruel enough to take Aaric away from this world and torture all of us that cared so much about him, then I didn't believe in a God. "Give him back! Please! Give Aaric back!" I screamed things like that until I couldn't make any noise at all and then just lay there, sobbing until I fell asleep.

**-0-**

_What if I lost him?_

And that's how I ended up here, dressed in full black, sitting in front of a casket at a church. My life will never be the same and I know it. Maybe…I should join him. Yeah, that sounds good. After I say goodbye to him, I'll say hello. I'll be there soon, Aaric. Just hold on a little while longer, Dyri, and I'll be there.

And by the way, I love you.


End file.
